Blessing of the Hands

So I was sitting at my desk today, working diligently, as usual, when a woman stopped by my desk to inquire as to whether I would like to have my hands blessed. No, I am not making this up.

Now just so that you have the full context, I work at a hospital. So the fact that there is a Spiritual Care department isn't really that strange. And they are big into serving, "the entire hospital community," which includes the employees. Understandable as well. But I do have to say that you've started to cross the quirky threshold when you send a woman to go cubicle to cubicle to ask people to declare on the spot if they would like to participate in a Blessing of the Hands.

And since the real world me is way less snarky than Rubyspikes, I politely declined the hand-blessing, and then also declined the printed Blessing of the Hands cards she was handing out. But because Rubyspikes is always hanging out in my brain, I offer you these:

My Top 10 Responses that I COULD have Said to the Lady Who Came to My Cubicle Today and Offered to Bless My Hands

10. Actually, can you bless my feet instead? 

9. Sorry, I am a contractor. I don't get company benefits. 

8. No. I know how this works. If you bless them today, then I'll just need a re-blessing in a couple weeks and then again in another few weeks and then you'll have me hooked. I'm on to you, Lady. 

7. Would you be willing to bless only one hand? I want to see if there's a difference in a week. 

6. Only if you bless them very, very slowly. I bill by the hour. 

5. What are you implying about the current state of my hands that you think they need blessing?  

4. Clearly you've never heard of me. I'm a miracle worker around here. 

3. Actually, I'm an atheist. Could you please put me on your Do Not Bless list? 

2. Damn! Why weren't you here last week, before my evil hands stabbed that homeless guy in the alley? 

1. Um.... you're not serious, right?

Clearly, I should have had my hands blessed. Because right now, they are obviously up to no good.